In Extremis

I’d leave my corpse in your hands and my name on your skin,

so you’ll never forget that I’d live there

I’ll house you in a graveyard and bury you like roots and coffins,

for you to feel how it’s like to be left alone

With frost and rain, I want to efface your memory

and I’ll teach you my name

it will be the only words your lips will kiss, the only tale you’ll tell

I hope you fall like rain, forced in its downfall, lonely and shapeless

with nowhere to go, nothing to do, but fall

Because when you leave, you used the windows and leave winter to sleep in my bed

and now sunlight is a stranger touching my skin

my body is a map of your lost expeditions but I’m the only one presumed lost and

you, the only surviving member

Now I dream, cloth with the memory of your face

enduring what remains of my withering self

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La douleur exquis

La douleur exquise –The heartbreaking pain of wanting someone you can’t have.

(La douleur exquise is not the same as unrequited love – the state of one desiring another they can’t have. This phrase is meant to describe the emotional experience and heartbreak of being the person whose feelings and desires aren’t returned.)

Jerry hopes. He still does even though the reality has been stabbed in his heart numerous times now.

“I don’t love you the way you love me.”

He remembered those words she said a week ago. Words that he already knew but pained him more when it was spoken for the nth time. He let out a withered sigh, which caused him to choke in the middle of yet another sob. He hugged his pillow tight and curled in his bed hoping to find some warmth. But even the comfort of his bed cannot cut through the chill he felt inside.

He reached for his phone and typed a message. He loved her. He still does. And he know, he will still love Sally. A simple and carefree girl whose eyes sparkle when she talks about paintings. A girl whose smile warms his heart and melts his soul. And maybe what caught him is the sugary smell of her perfume dancing faintly around his nose. Or maybe It’s just about the way she moves and the way she talks that he can’t get her out of his mind. He didn’t even know he could feel this way towards someone. But then she came. And his life will never be the same again.

“I miss you, S.”

He placed his hand near the send button but then hesitates and throws the phone away. He picked his phone and threw it away again.

He couldn’t stand it anymore. He needed her like he needed a strong coffee after a hang-over. It doesn’t matter if she was so cold, she still burned him. He will fight battles and go to wars for her. But it was too late when he learned that she is the battle that he’s going to lose every time. He tried to move on. But no amount of alcohol can make him forget about her. No number of cigarette sticks can smoke her out of his mind.

He reached for his phone again, opened Sally’s picture. Seeing the Sally-smile, he was wrecked and healed at the same time.

And in the core of his heart, Jerry hopes. He deeply, truly hopes. That maybe, she’ll consider his love. Just a tiny bit. Even just a little.